Saying “No” to Men
Zoe Claire Pendleton
Women are going celibate, whether you like it or not
Truth is, men just aren’t meeting the standards of women anymore.
In a world shaped by enduring patriarchal values, society has grown comfortable with conventional gender roles. Globally, women are expected to be soft, kind, pretty, and social—while ultimately acting as the foundation of support for a family: the homemaker, the mom, the wife. Men, in general, take form in the opposite—strong, intense, aggressive, rugged, authoritarian. The breadwinner, the father, the husband. Historically, there’s been an unstable balance between the traditional concept of “man” and “woman.” A man is unemotional and reserved, while a woman is hyperemotional and constantly reassuring, to the point of over-extending herself even to her own detriment. The woman must use her emotional crowbar to pry anything introspective from her life-long partner, while the man is overwhelmed by her openness and nagging nature. In most Western societies, women have been taught from childhood to be compassionate and caring, while men are taught to be individualistic and strong.1 Simultaneously, women have relied on these men for centuries.
In recent decades, however, these deeply rooted roles and expectations have been challenged as women have gained social and economic independence. As women make gains in equality, the desire to date, get married, and have kids becomes less desirable. A future with a man starts to morph into something bleak. Living with someone who, if they adhere to society’s expectations of masculinity, is emotionally immature, rugged, aggressive, and in exponentially worse cases—controlling and emotionally or physically abusive—results in fewer and fewer women who are willing to risk it. So, women don’t engage with those kinds of men anymore. They no longer have to use their emotional crowbar because it’s not worth their time. In some cases, settling down and having a child with a man is the end of a woman’s career and free time (especially as studies continue to show an emphasis on an uneven distribution of free household labor).
Why would women want to take care of the home, their child, and their unemotionally neglectful husband when they could hang out with their girlfriends, pursue their careers, and get mimosas on Tuesdays? Women are becoming celibate, whether you like it or not.
Why are boys and men engaging with misogynistic content anyway?
Except, things aren’t so simple.
One of the key factors pushing this social change is the Internet. When we look at the various algorithms across social media platforms, one thing becomes increasingly apparent. There is a vast (and growing) divide between the recommended content for men and women. Women’s content, if they’re interested in makeup, clothing, reading, baking, and music, tends to stay in that field of media. If anything, women are given more progressive content.2 Content with terminology like “doofus husbands” and “weaponized incompetence” have become increasingly well-known with femme users.3 The recommended videos that women are getting are more likely to highlight the unbalanced household and emotional labor that women do, which often goes unnoticed by men. In turn, women seek joy in their female friendships, in having pet dogs and cats, in cooking and baking, in taking care of plants, in their careers, and traveling the world – without men.
However, if you’re a man interested in things such as sports and cars, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Twitter are far more likely to feed you right-winged media.4 Owning a car becomes less about a mechanical hobby and more about demonstrating and performing masculinity. If we take one step further, these algorithms begin to recommend videos from figures like Andrew Tate, who is a car lover and dangerously misogynistic, with his content for one topic frequently bleeding into the other. Boys and men cannot watch videos of traditionally masculine interests without the threat of radicalization.
Ultimately, algorithms are validation. If you’re watching misogynistic content, Instagram’s, TikTok’s, YouTube’s, and Twitter’s algorithms do not care that their content is dangerous, spreads hatred, or sews social division. Instead, they will recommend more and more harmful content. They’re looking to give you videos you’re likely to engage with, regardless of meaning or level of harm. Their algorithms aim to keep retention on the app, so as people dive into these echo chambers, their opinions eventually become reinforced by similar ideals in the content. To impressionable boys and emotionally hurt men, this can lead down harmful paths.
Why are boys and men engaging with misogynistic content anyway?
For the first time ever, women are more educated than men, with 3.1 million more women in college than men.5 They are also more employed in the post-college workforce, surpassing men in employment.6 Women don’t need their father’s or husband’s help to open a bank account, vote, go to school, or be validated socially. Even beauty standards are shifting – women don’t have to be skinny, demure, or whatever else men want them to be. They can be loud, ugly, fat, and wear as much or as little makeup as they wish. In the Western world, women are living their own lives. They aren’t reliant on men anymore, economically, romantically, or physically.
Where does that leave men? Men, who are now underperforming in their education and careers, who have been told that the patriarchy benefits them (that they are owed sex, children, a good-paying job, and a nice life), suddenly are no longer guaranteed those things. Women are liberated — they can do whatever they want, so men are placed in a position where they must try harder. They must consciously seek out the aforementioned relationships, become better allies, be more emotional and caring, and become feminists. If they’re not willing to try, then content from figures like Andrew Tate or Donald Trump validates their insecurities, promotes their misogyny, and gives men a sense of social power.
And women don’t want men like that.
So, they’re going celibate.
One of the more extreme examples of this is in South Korea, where some women are taking celibacy to the next level. The 4B movement is a feminist movement in South Korea, with the name spawning from its four tenants: no heterosexual marriage (bihon), no childbirth, (bichulsan), no heterosexual dating (biyeonae), and no heterosexual sex (bisekseu). These Korean women aren’t just going without dating men; they’re utilizing it as a weapon of activism against a violently patriarchal society. South Korea has the lowest birth rate in the world, sitting at .78 as of 2023.7 This number is below the level needed to keep the current population steady, meaning that the declining birth rate hints at a future without a South Korean population. Obviously, this is a cause for concern. President Yoon Suk Yeol attributed the low birth rate to feminism, a sentiment echoed by many other men who similarly hold feminists responsible.8 In a patriarchal world that threatens them with rape, femicide, and violence, South Korean women don’t have to worry about the violence against them if they’re just not engaging with men in the first place.
4B, as you might expect, is controversial. Gasp, heterosexual women are going without sex?! But that’s not too far from the reality in America. In April 2024, the dating app Bumble released a series of advertisements with the statements “A vow of celibacy is not the answer” and “Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun” for their distinctly female target demographic. Not soon after, they were forced to apologize for the ad campaign.9 There are more men on dating apps than women, with 34% of men having tried dating apps versus 27% of women.10
Why are men more interested in dating apps than women? Why are more and more women focusing on themselves rather than finding a partner? Why are women abstaining from sex? And why are people so threatened by it? Women’s sexual liberation doesn’t just exist to allow women to have as much sex as they want — it means they can be entirely celibate, too (or exist somewhere in the middle!). If a company such as Bumble is resorting to shaming and encouraging women to date and have sex, then there is an implied lack of women’s activity in the dating world. People are begging women to have relationships with men, whether that be dating app companies or governments, in South Korea or America.
Consciously, I believe most women aren’t actually going celibate. Heterosexual women want partners, but not at the cost of self-respect and peace. As the Internet continues to reinforce and deconstruct traditional gender roles, it must be asked what harm is being caused between the relationships between men and women. But most women know two things: men are falling short, and they have better things to be doing than men.
